Grrrr… Argh… Monster

Good ole green eyed monster… always on time. Always right there. Disambiguous as ever. Seriously, she’s as murky as the swamp surrounding the homes in our little corner of the Commonwealth. Oh, sweet jealousy sours.

What gets my goat, though, is awkward and so weird…. truly unusual ….

It’s not blonde, red, raven hair or waist lines. No, not slender… more curvy or less. Never about riches or “things of this world”. I’m not jealous of better writers or singers.

I’ll admit that sometimes I wish myself a better parent and daughter… better wife… lover.

But, nope… none of these things twerk my inner Othello at all.

What does?

It’s not very complex and I’m willing to bet most adults struggling with mental or emotional challenges feel this way too:

It drives me insane to see competent adults of sound mind and maturity acting like angry school children defending their corner of the playground.

“Absolutely bonkers!”

You see, because a chemical imbalance and some emotional trauma from my past has sometimes managed to strip me of my ability to act with forethought and maturity. When this happens I’m embarrassed, regretful, ashamed beyond reason and often unable to face the situation to resolve things sensibly.

My soul desire, during those troubling times, is to have the sweet gift that so many possess and take for granted:

Thankfully, with medication, therapy, and a good support system I’m usually able to greatly stretch the segments of time that adjoin the disconnects. This makes living somewhat manageable and I don’t attribute everything that has ever happened to my challenges. (Sometimes I sound like Anne of Green Gables…)

Sometimes, I’m just a bitc…. monster.

Aren’t we all?

It’s just that… if you have all of your faculties and still choose to behave like you have none it feels devoid of humanity to someone who wishes she could have that ability to moderate consistently.

  • If you willingly and of sound mind decide to use anger or force to get what you want.
  • If you throw innocent people under your “wheels of the bus”…
  • If you choose to hurt, hate,  and betray people who have shown you nothing but love…
  • If you tear down and assassinate the character of someone out of spite or your own jealousy…
  • If you, with the ability to reason and reign-in emotions, decide to judge and humiliate someone different from yourself…

Someone like me…

You are placing yourself in the degenerate “sub-Reddit” of life and, believe it or not,

I don’t want that for any of you…

Ironically, it’s because I understand how it feels. We’ve all been there and we’ve all had moments similar…

Throw me down, drag me through the gutter, gossip, lie, accuse, hate, react unjustly… I’m still gonna love you and not because I “have to” or because it’s what I was taught growing up…

Nope, it’s because I’m the jealous monster who understands your actions but wishes you’d choose better more often… 

Because I wish I could.

So, can we be to each other the hope that each of us needs so greatly? Do we bow before a Holy altar? Do we recognize our own divinity? Do we choose maturity and morality in the face of denigration and revenge? What is the litmus? What are your limitations, if any?

Are you a warrior storming a castle, a sovereign ruling the castle, or a peasant maintaining the Standard? What do you choose?

Because the Kingdom relies on each role and peace requires not only defense, offense and regard… but also understanding, forgiveness, and…



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