I had to back off from this blog (and other online endeavors) for a minute.
That happens a lot…. there’s a shutdown inside my head and I run away… from Facebook, blogging, plans with friends, social engagements…
Yes, and it’s just another “wonderful” piece of the Bipolar puzzle. It’s part and parcel of an inconsistent existence that is often muddied under waves of procrastination and confusion.
Let me explain…
It’s a gamble in my head: Is this a good, productive moment wherein I can reach out to my family and friends and reflect the “sometimes me” that seems to have it all together and communicates effectively with the world? Or is this a negative, lazy moment filled with retreat, defeat and malaise?
I’m fond of describing my struggles in unique vernacular…. see what I did there?
These pieces of time, to me, are something different from the Bipolar “roller coaster” most people describe.
It’s like swimming… hit your stride and glide across the surface carefree, self propelled, and strong. No worries… ducks in a row. It’s “all good”.
Until you begin to tire… the water feels heavier… your arms hurt from the effort to stay afloat. You start to sink and feel like the water itself has become sentient and active with only one goal: Bring you under. Take you down.
So, you pour all your effort into reaching the surface… you just need a little air. You become more desperate as you see the daylight glistening on the surface and begging you to try harder. It’s the light of hope and promise… you can do it.
You break through and take that sweet breath of fresh air… and something under you grabs hold and yanks you back under. This continues… up, down; breath, none. This is hopeless you start to give yourself up to the tide when you feel sand and gain footing… standing on the shore. Safety…
For now… Until the next time you find yourself part of the world’s worst water relay.
There’s something more, though, and that’s friends and family who love you but do not understand this cycle. Imparting well meant communication:
- Why can’t you just “buck up” and get over things?
- Why were you able to clean the living room last week, but not today?
- Don’t you know they’re not laughing at you, but with you?
- Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve.
- When you react like that you are giving them what they want.
- Don’t embarrass yourself!
- Are you on your meds??
That’s the thing, see? All those things others can do so easily are sometimes monumental and insurmountable tasks for me… sometimes they’re not and I feel successful and encouraged… for a little while.
I understand the above utterances are said with love and that hearts are in the right place. But, I wish to hear things like this instead:
- I care about you so much.
- I love you.
- You’re not alone.
- Do you need to talk? I’m here to listen.
- I’m sorry for your pain.
- This will pass and I’ll weather the storm with you.
- I will always be your friend. No matter what happens.
- You are so important to me.
- Thank you for your friendship. That means a lot to me.
- I understand.
That said, *I* understand that we are all capable of imparting knowledge and understanding and that is a two way street.
As we travel together through our separate lives each of us, both sick and well, sometimes sink and sometimes swim. We can help each other stay afloat and reach the shore. That’s most important… mutual benefit bringing us all towards a life of Peace.